Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Bordeline Personality Disorder - diagnosed

Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, or in short BPD.
It makes so much more sense now...why I always feel like I'm in an emotional turmoil, why I'm afraid to be abandoned, why I can't control my emotions...
Today I posted this one Facebook:

"My condition doesn't allow me to feel happy for too long at a time. It goes in and finds every little negative thing in words and sentences. If it could possibly be misunderstood into something negative about me, I will find it. And The words will twist around in my wrecked brain and there they will dig deep and hurt. And I will not be able to remember the original words...I will not be able to see the light.
So I need you to repeat...again and again and again, over and over and over, the positive things you meant, when I turn it all around in my head yet again. Help me...I cannot do it on my own. I cannot control this thought monster...eating away my happy memories. It's like a filter on my brain, only letting in the crap and the bullshit. Refusing me the right to feel loved or cared for. Making me so much more desperate to be loved...thinking that nobody could love or care for me.
The filter is borderline personality disorder, and I can't just "grow up" or "get my act together".
I need constant reminders from my friends and family that I am, in fact,  wanted and loved...otherwise...I will forget and believe the opposite. I know it's bothersome and tirering to constantly repeat yourself...but if you want to be there for me...this is how to be me remember the positive feelings. Help me remember that I am wanted, needed and loved. Help me push the filter aside. Help me live."

This is how it feels to have borderline.
And I cannot control this yet.
I hope to be able to learn how to control my feelings and how to shut down my filter.
I obsess over little details, small problems become huge and overpowering.
Daily life is a struggle.
I feel like I'm a burden to those around me.
I fear being abandoned by those I love and sometimes go to extremes to avoid being abandoned. This means I sometimes abandon others first...or desperately cling on to them.
I also get really angry or really sad...

But the worst part is probably the toll it takes on those around me.
How demanding it is on much of a burden I am to them.

Because I can't see the good things...I only see the negative things.
The BPD filter my head is picking up all the negative things and even positive things, and twists it all around until it turns into hurtful things that makes me sad.
I forget that people love me or care about me..and I need a constant reminder that they do. And this is extremely exhausting for my loved ones.

On the 17th of November, I will begin treatment with a psychologist.
I hope that he/she can help me find the tools I need to get by and to learn how to control myself.

I feel like I shouldn't exist. That I am just s burden to everyone. I am so sorry.

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